Your Bloggy Dosage of U4EA
When life confronts me with hardships I often ask myself W.W.E.V.D? What’s that, you ask? What Would Emily Valentine Do? Who’s Emily Valentine? Well, only the craziest “wild child” that graced the halls of Beverly Hills High for 12 episodes over a few seasons. You can learn a lot from Ms. Valentine. Let me show you how.
1) What do you do when you’re confronted by dating two attractive guys?
WWEVD: She would date them both and piss off one of their stupid twin sisters by not only dating her brother, but also going after her ma’an. Once she makes up her mind on which ma’an she wants, she would join the school newspaper to be closer to them.
So wise, Emily Valentine. So wise. Fake something that your crush is interested in so that you can be closer to them. How can I relate this to my own life? Hmmm… what does my crush like? Football? Pogs? Cop dramas? Boring, boring, boring. I’m going to pretend that my crush likes wind surfing. Then I’ll become the best fake wind surfer there is. I’m seeing lots of neon in my future.
2) How do you get your crush to notice you on Halloween?
WWEVD: She would bring her twin niece and nephew over to her crush’s house and force him to hang out with her and the dumb kids. Then to spend more alone time with him she would “lose” the kids.
This girl is a genius. I need to get my crush pregnant or maybe steal some kids off of the street and take them trick or treating and “lose” them or maybe I should just push them in a bush or something. Yeah, something. Anything to get me more alone time with my ma’an. Then he would love me forever.
3) Besides a cool, dyke-y haircut and flannel shirts, how do you get your crush to really notice you?
WWEVD: Take him to an underground nightclub where you need an egg to get in. Then she would slip her lover some ecstasy (U4EA to be exact). In case you’re wondering, you get it from the guy with a 4 on his shirt. Once she takes the drugs, she would make her ma’an wear his leather jacket without a shirt on underneath. Then when his friends leave because they were too high, she would say “don’t go away mad, just go away.”
She’s so smart. Drugs. Drugs are always the answer. If you want to take your relationship to the next level, you get your ma’an so fucked up that they don’t remember a thing. I’m pretty sure I don’t remember my best dreams, my relationships should be the same way. Who cares if there are repercussions. There won’t be more repercussions if you keep on shoveling their mouths with drugs. Duh.
4) How do you recover when you’ve fed your crush too many drugs and get them in trouble? So much trouble that he doesn’t want to see you anymore?
WWEVD: Stalk them. Steal their favorite shirt and torch the homecoming float.
Yes. Yes. OK? If my ma’an didn’t fully appreciate me pre/during drug slippage, he’ll surely love me if I anonymously threaten him over the phone and through the mail AND specifically if I torch all of his hard work on the homecoming float. If he didn’t appreciate me before, he’ll appreciate it when his favorite laundry is missing. She is seriously so smart. If you learn anything from this filler entry, it’s that the answer is to always torch the homecoming float.
Didn’t get that promotion? Torch the homecoming float. Got a shitty number in the deli line? Torch the homecoming float. Ate it on the sidewalk when you got sloppy drunk in front of your roommate? Torch the homecoming float. See, it works for everything.
If you didn’t get anything out of this, not my fault. Just watch the video at the top. If there’s anything that has inspired me to become a TV writer, it’s that. Now I just have to write a script of sorts. I wonder what Emily Valentine is up to?