Cooking for the holidays? Let me help! The recipe book for everyone’s inner fat girl is back with some great new treats based on everyone’s favorite holiday activity – enjoying reruns of your favorite TV shows in a separate room from your family. These recipes are sure to put some boob into a tube of cookie dough. I’m not exactly sure what that means, but I really like cookie dough.
Pork Chops & Applesauce
Pork Chops, milk, bread crumbs, garlic, rosemary, thyme, butter and a jar of applesauce
- Buy a whole pig, cut off its chops (try not to kill its self esteem in the process because they might be able to fly some day).
- Marinate the chops in 2 cups of milk and 2 teaspoons of salt for at least 1 hour turning over once.
- While the chops are marinating, polish your engraved silver platter, build a house of cards, brush your hair for 100 strokes on each side, throw a football at your sister’s nose, go through puberty and sing a song about change, date George Glass, and preheat oven to 200 degrees. But whatever you do, don’t play ball in the house because mom always said to not do that.
- Stir together bread crumbs, garlic, rosemary, thyme and 1 teaspoon of salt in a shallow bowl. Lift pork chops from milk 1 at a time, letting excess drip off, dip it a bunch in the bread crumbs and then place in tray. Once all of the chops are breaded, sauté the chops in sum butta and sum vegetable oil in 2-3 batches for 5-6 minutes or until golden brown.
- Open jar of applesauce and place it in a pot, warm it up for a bit. Don’t warm it too much; think of the temperature as a chair an old lady just warmed up for you with her butt heat. That’s perfect.
- Place pork chops on plate, drench with applesauce. Ain’t that swell? You now have a new Peter Brady identity and probably wider hips.
Donna Martin Graduates
Popcorn and ice cream.
- Pop your favorite kind of microwave popcorn.
- While popcorn is popping, play Skeletons in the Closet with your closest friends revealing secrets of date rape, diet pills and more. If your friends don’t answer your impetuous questions, make them wear your dad’s shit-stained underwear for 5 minutes (I swear I have no personal experience with this).
- Scoop your favorite kind of ice cream into a bowl.
- Place popcorn on top of ice cream. Enjoy a salty, sugary, fatty snack. Those torrid feelings aren’t going to eat themselves.
Got Any Cheese?
Cheese, fruit, bread and crackers.
- Buy a buttload of different kind of cheeses (might I suggest Sharp Cheddar, Honey Goat Cheese, Asiago, Smoked Gouda? I’m from Wisconsin. Cheese is my middle thigh.)
- Cut said cheese (not with the load of your butt… yet. Use a knife, silly).
- Cut bread into bite-size pieces.
- Wash and cut selected fruit as needed (might I suggest apples, grapes, and raspberries?)
- Place cheese, fruit, crackers and bread on serving plates.
- Eat all of it in one sitting because otherwise it will go bad. It’s how science works or something.
Got Any Cheese? (Modified)
Pub cheese and crackers.
- Place pub cheese and box of crackers on the coffee table in front of the TV with the One Tree Hill marathon ready to go.
- Open pub cheese, leave crackers in box.
- Enjoy pub cheese with your finger to get the best scoopage (no need to sully anything besides your already disgusting finger).