Everybody’s Searching For a Hero

I thought I’d share some thoughts of a 31-year-old, perpetual single woman. For my single life I think it’s best for me to share these thoughts with the world wide web. Enjoy.

Things said to strangers at bars:

“I play my video games like I give my hand jobs. Smashed, dry and with the rings on.”-muttered while playing some fighting game at an arcade bar.

Things thought while making out with a boy in an alley while he tries to get a little frisky up the skirt:

-Nope. Not gonna happen. He’s going to touch my Spanx. My Spanx prudeness totally makes me a lady… in an alley.

Things said to my cats:

“Tennille, you’re that lady with an attitude. Captain, you’re that fellow in the mood.”

“God, you’re such a dick, but you’re handsome. Let’s cuddle.”

“Don’t dip your tail in my barbeque sauce.”

“Stop smelling my wound.”

Things thought while at the grocery store:

-Just how single lady can my purchases be? Wine? Check. Cat food? Check. Can of Franco-American Spaghetti? Double check.

Things thought while walking down the street:

-I’m totally like Jennie Garth while pregnant on BH, 90210 carrying all of these bags in front of my stomach to hide the pregnancy. The difference: you’re not fucking pregnant, Yops. Cripes.

With all of these wonderful thoughts and expressions being passed along, it’s really no wonder why things are the way they are with my non-existent dating life. However, writing this in an open forum won’t stop me from continuing to say things like this.

Maybe I should start a Twitter account with this crap in hopes that I’ll eventually get a show with CBS called S#it a Perpetual Single Woman Says. If that happened the writers would probably create a love triangle with the boy who has always liked me, but didn’t have the guts to tell me and the handsome coworker that’s most likely a playa. I would go on dates with the no-good coworker and the friend would gently try to steer me away from him while having a side plot of selling candy bars on the streets with the hoodlum kids with a heart.

There would be a time where the friend and I would go out for coffee and in some crazy scheme see the coworker making out with another girl outside a fro-yo place. My heart would be crushed, but the friend would be there to pick up the pieces. Then the friend would turn my frown upside down by performing a choreographed dance routine to the “Greatest Love Of All” and then Betty White would show up. It would be magical.

With that I give you my return to writing on my blog. Writing regularly is hard. Harumph. God, you’d think I was busy working or sumthin’.